| Fighting the Sin Disease
As I start typing this, I know deep down that
I really can't say anything that will change your situation. I know
that whatever I write here is nothing more than black symbols stuck
rather incoherently on a bright white screen. Nothing more. They're
just words. They can't change your situation. They can't take away
your pain. And I really doubt they can show you love like you should
be shown.
But I'm going to attempt to do the impossible
anyway. I'm just going to type, and hopefully somewhere between
the lines, somewhere between the symbols and sentences, maybe you'll
find something more than just words and thoughts that speak to you.
This is my prayer.
I cannot tell you that I know how you feel about
life. About your parents. About your depression. Or about your pain.
I've never stood in your shoes, but I do know what it's like to
be trapped. I know what it's like to be caught in a web that you
just can't seem to break free of no matter how hard you try, and
no one else even notices, and you're glad they don't because if
they did, your own mask would crumble, and you'd be left standing
naked and ashamed.
I know that the only way I have ever been able
to escape is to give my entire being. . .not just my "religion".
. .but my entire self and consciousness to Jesus Christ. I'm not
talking about your Awana class or a bubble gum fluff Sunday school
class in which you might hear about "Noah & the Ark."
I'm talking about a total and extremely all-out surrender to Jesus.
I mean a radical dependence upon Him for the very breath that you
breathe.
Sometimes people look at me, hear that I'm a
Christian, and think, "Oh, there goes Miss. Goody-two-shoes
who has no problems." Their musings could never be any farther
from the truth. The fact is that I war daily against sin. Every
waking hour, and sometimes during those when I'm asleep, I'm battling
Satan's control for my mind. This isn't religion. This isn't some
phony display of pietism. This is real life. This is working every
day, and floundering in the constant desire to succeed. This is
fighting fear of the future, as I traverse my career path. This
is all of these, and yet one thing remains the same. I suffer, and
I cry inside. I wonder, doubt, fear, and question. But I trust.
And I am loved. And you may think this doesn't make sense, and if
you don't, I'll fully agree with you, but I am happy. Although I've
got many reasons to be in a constant state of gloom due to my writings,
my hangups, my daily failures, and my uncertainty, I'm happy. I've
got joy. It's beyond reasoning. You can't explain it, so don't even
try. All I know is I've put my entire trust and being into the capable
hands of Jesus Christ. . . and He has given me joy. No one can take
that away from me. I have seen that Jesus Christ will never give
up on me, never turn away, and never leave me. I don't care if I
end up living in a cardboard box with just a bridge overhead to
keep the weather away, I'll still have Jesus, and He'll still love
me.
Whatever you are going through, I want you to
feel what I feel. I want you to share the joy I've got. I want you
to receive the love that I've received. Please ask Jesus to come
into your life and save you from your sins. Maybe you've done that
in the past, I don't know. All I know is you need someone to take
your hand, and the only person I know who is capable of that is
Jesus. And He is just waiting to come into your life. All you have
to do is humble yourself and admit that you've done wrong things
in the past. Admit that you can't continue in life without Him.
And ask Him to forgive you of all those things that you've done
called "sin." Ask Him to give you joy and ultimately peace.
Maybe you didn't want to hear all this. Maybe
you wanted to hear me tell you something really inspirational or
maybe something extremely profound, instead of hearing another religious
spiel about what you've possibly heard all your life. Well, I'm
sorry, but I am finding the only thing that gets me through life
is Jesus. And the only thing I can offer to anyone who is hurting.
. .is Jesus. I love you enough to honestly want to see you happy.
The only happiness that I've found that lasts is in knowing and
serving Jesus Christ.
I hope these paragraphs, sentences, words, and
mere letters have at least slightly relieved some of your pain.
This is all I know to be true: Jesus loves you. And you can't escape
it.
When you can't put your prayers into words,
God hears your heart.
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